our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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