I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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