I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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