I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
