maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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