Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
