I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
