well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize