i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
