Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
