i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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