farters have to be the big spoon...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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