Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize