your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
