are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
