just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
