if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
