you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
