apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
