Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
