Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
