Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
there is glitter all over my balls
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
