my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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