youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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