I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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