If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
