I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
