Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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