I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
