I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize