a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
