i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
