i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
