did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
