just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
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