i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
