He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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