There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
