And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
