hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
