took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
