Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
