my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize