I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
