dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
