i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
