i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize