then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Your penis caused this!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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