I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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