i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
