she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
