Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
i believe in u and ur pee
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
