I must be too annoying 4 u.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
