my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
