Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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