I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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