Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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