my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
