he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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