remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
