I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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