The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
