9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
