I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
