she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
