Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
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